Nafisa grew up in Queens NY, got some sort of degree in Ethnic Studies and Political Economy, worked in youth organizing/nonprofit, then moved to Kolkata for a fellowship. Somehow she ended up in Atlanta, getting a masters in development practice. What should I do? I cannot get tangled in this cycle again. Nearly half the fellows in this year’s class are deciding to stay on. Some of us come from very different backgrounds. I have just not found the same opportunities that suit my interests. No matter how many social business models wearing triple bottom lined fantasy suits parade in front of me on stage, I cannot sing ooo and aww and embrace some band-aid corporate responsibility clause. Or more specifically, I feel smothered in the 3,000 thread count blankets in my private hotel suite for a weekend conference on essentially a take on a private labour union. It’s been 2 months and those blankets are still haunting me. I cringe at thinking that I posed for photos with working people while wearing silk kameezes after a brunch meeting. So I oriented myself as primarily an agent of my NGO. My lovely NGO. Where the role I occupy is so precarious and confusing that unfortunately I’ve become detached and depressed from.
Here are two factors colouring most of my life here.
1. I have not found a viable politicized community, neither peers nor being able to engage on a community level (I say “field work” too easily now) and I am loosing interest fast. I do not have a sympathetic (in terms of political background and understanding) support system at all, and no one to really push me to be creative, critical, and produce valuable work. I have no hope for this either. I value other people and I do not see community pejoratively as a crutch or limitation. It is a part of my orientation to be accountable to others, to work collectively, consensus damnit!
2. Having no hope, instead, I exercise my privilege and consume, consume, consume, play, play, play. I not so secretly dislike making connections with people that I still consider politically distant. If they still say things like “that’s gay”, look, I’m just going to walk away.. so it is lonely, I stop myself from seeking companionship but I can compartmentalize like a pro and have a great time at parties and getogethers.
One compromise leads to another compromise, leads to another, and I am afraid I will loose my foundation. I have trouble being critical here. I was sitting behind an old minister with a massive wart at a symposium last week when a woman in the audience gets up and says “I want to call attention to the fact that there are no farmers on the dias, only those speaking on their behalf, and in completely inaccessible language.” I have lost my basic faculties to crit because of the particular role I have taken on. I am really impotent at work. It may be a left-ish space but I shut off.
I accepted way too much, because I pretend I have little ownership over these spaces. Does that make sense? That I’m watching this elaborate process of teensy civil society groups trying to engage on the state-level and to do so they bend backwards and whisper sweet nothings to halfdeaf ears and foggy eyed power-bearers and garland everyone in sight and invest money to prop up pageant lights, all for what? To make sure that rural communities have clean water?
What?
I’m totally a proponent. I’m completely complicit. I am a total tool. This is all my choice. I have the privilege of being my own agent, unlike many others. So why am I here?
Seriously. To respect process is of utmost importance I’ve re-learned this year. To spend 4lakshs or however much money, god, or the millions of dollars to throw Galas and be bottom feeders of corporate donations. That has nothing to do with me. I can’t be here any more if I can’t express myself and think, or when I do, not have any outlet. I can’t write an email to the higherups summarizing my opinion of their project, mico or macro factors, because I disagree with them as an organisation. Why write a nice memo to the nuclear regulatory commission?
Get me out of here!!!!!!!
*I’m not a purist I’m not an idealist! I know organisations need funding! But the power relations here are so overwhelming and my participation in the process is so disdainful in a way because I’m here everyday and unable to connect with meaningful people, or be creative, or find those alternatives using the system, I just want to go back to more grassroots work where I can best apply my skills, and that would probably point back to the U.S. right now. I would love to work in the Subcontinent, but I need to be more equipped, I need read more, I need to have better language skills, I need more confidence, and I need it to be more in my terms.
I want to write more, but I’ve already made this post more specific that I needed it. Blogging is hard.
